homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Any refunds available?…
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.