“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography