[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
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You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Finally a use for spoilers…
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving