[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Just a bush.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!