Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
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All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My oldest chicken is going through henopause