SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station