WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”