God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
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me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
plant them where lol
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner