The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
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7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
shampoo implies shampee
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
12. I think about this all the damn time
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.