her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there