Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
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In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim