If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
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Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I’m crying im so happy for them
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.