[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
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Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
we all know this pain all too well
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
live, laugh, laundry.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.