If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
You Might Also Like
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.