When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
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When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU