if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Unimpressed
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I feel it
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.