Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
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Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My life in a nutshell
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.