My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
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This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]