Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Beauty and the Beast
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day