police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
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You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”