The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
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Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Festive toon…
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
And bowling should be called pinball
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
🦝🔥🦝🔥
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
how it started vs how it ended
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.