me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
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Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I think we should hear other voices.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?