You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
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#ProTip
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.