absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
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bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I love twitter
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*