my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.