Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
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He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
*cough*
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I came this close!!!!
uncle dave has been through hell
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.