If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
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the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.