My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
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Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
sleeping beauty
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.