My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
You Might Also Like
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.