Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
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[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.