*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?