Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
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Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
🍞🦆
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Weighing up my bread heating options
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*