I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
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Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
How wrong was this guy?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?