cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
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THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
…u ok Nintendo?
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.