I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
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My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
me hitting on a model
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat