Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
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When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???