“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
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I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”