The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Come back with a warrant
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”