A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.