Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
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Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
S/o to @funTweeters .
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off