Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Match dot com, but for socks.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.