Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
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They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them