“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
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6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.