“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”