Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
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I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
$3 #books
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away