“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Think I pulled my liver
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?