I love twitter
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i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.