So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
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Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Finally!
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?