The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Just me?
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?