older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
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Woke up against my better judgement again
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.